Honest Trailers – Predator (1987)

Honest Trailers – Predator (1987)


From the Michael Bay of the 80’s
but better
comes a film that combines the best action,
the best horror,
and the best handshake in all of human history.
“You son of a bitch.”
So does anyone else grow a mustache every time they watch that?
Deep in the heart of the Central American jungle,
where no one can hear you sweat
profusely,
something is hunting men for sport,
and that something would’ve been an awesome mystery…
if they didn’t show a spaceship in the first scene.
“There’s something in those trees.”
It’s an alien.
“Those eyes then,
they’re disappearing.”
Yup, alien. Saw the ship.
“There’s something out there waiting for us,
and it ain’t no man.”
OK, fine, I’ll do what YouTube comments do.
Movie starts at 1:29.
Join an elite squad of assassins.
“We’re a rescue team, not assassins.”
Uh-huh.
“Stick around.”
There’s Billy,
the jacked-up, macho Native American,
Blain,
the jacked-up, macho redneck,
Mac and Dillon,
the jacked-up, macho black guys,
Poncho,
the jacked-up, macho Latino,
Hawkins,
the screenwriter they wanted on set for Punch Up,
and their leader Dutch,
a jacked-up, badass, cigar chomping Kevin McCallister.
“Come and get me before I call the police!”
“C’MON, KILL ME, I’M HERE!”
Keep the change, you filthy animal. Yaugh!
Thrill as they’re up against the ultimate enemy:
Jean-Claude Van Damme in a stupid lobster costume.
Yup, that really happened.
But once he got fired,
they went up against the real ultimate enemy:
the Predator,
a perfect mix of awesome creature design,
S&M mesh bodysuit,
and Vincent Price laugh,
who uses advanced technology
to hunt the equivalent of fish in a barrel.
Yeah, I guess he’s less cool when you realize he’s like those yuppies who shoot giraffes with a sniper rifle.
So before you see The Predator,
revisit THE Predator
that’s never been improved on in its sequels
and could be released in theaters today because it’s aged so well
“Bunch of slack-jawed f*ggots around here.”
(uh, mostly well),
because in an action-horror movie this good
with so many iconic lines
“I ain’t got time to bleed.”
“Knock knock.”
“You’re one ugly motherf*cker.”
“GET TO THE CHOPPAH!”
and such an iconic movie monster,
you’ll barely even notice that half the film
is just quietly…
looking…
at trees.
“There’s something in those trees.”
IT’S AN ALIEN!
“My men are not expendable.”
You changed, Arnold. You changed.

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